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May 03, 2005

The White Trash Guide to Parenthood

Posted in: Bizarre,Fun,General

The site Cooper For President has these words of wisdom for our er,,, em… special folks…

After seeing the most recent DNC television ad (the one featuring various unemployable ex-felons complaining about jobs going overseas to “Chiner”), we have come to the realization that we have neglected a vital segment of the population – white trash. As an olive branch to our friends in the W.T. community, we offer this Guide to Parenthood.

Raising a child (and making sure to keep those white trash traditions alive) is not as difficult as you might think. In fact, it takes about as much effort as your mom put into raising you.

The first thing you need to decide is what to name your baby. It is crucial that your daughter has a genuine white trash name, so that when she’s 14 and runs off with a 58-year-old sex offender she met online, the police will know where to look (her hard drive) instead of wasting time on bogus “kidnapping” leads. Just as single, teenage ghetto moms like to give their children phony “African” names (like “Shamiqua”) any good white trasher needs to give her daughter a phony Irish name. Make sure you’re creative with the spelling. An oddly-spelled name will help distract from your daughter’s pregnancy in the fourth grade:
Good:  Kylee
Better:  Kyleigh
Best:  Keighleigh
Here are the different categories for girls

Trailer Trash
Stage Names (if you want your daughter to become a stripper)
Brandy (Brandi)
Candy (Candi)
Whore Names (what your daughter will change her name to when she becomes a porn star)
(as you’ve probably figured out, any flower or spice works)

Return to: The White Trash Guide to Parenthood